


The Things We Lose

by asparasa



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, I see all these sad caleb fics and i thought what about molly we need some sad molly so here we are, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, the mighty nein - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-07 17:57:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14086452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asparasa/pseuds/asparasa
Summary: Mollymauk had filled himself with colour and built a world for himself to get the lost in. First was the carnival, the fake world. Molly could pretend to be anything there, a seer, a fortune teller, a performer. He never truly lost that part.  Here he would transport others and himself into a world of curiosities. Second came the ragtag Nein. A world of liars who cared even though they didn’t trust themselves or each other. His barbarian followed him into these worlds, coming and going like the passing winds from the north. He would not let his earliest memories consume him.A fic about Molly being an amnesiac who gets flashbacks to the earliest memory he can remember and how he copes with it





	The Things We Lose

**Author's Note:**

> Hey I'm back,  
> this time with some critical role. I have a lot of feelings about mollymauk okay and i just had to get them out so here you go
> 
>  
> 
> *edit i changed Cipher to Lucian for reasons...........
> 
> Enjoy!  
> A <3

Mollymauk’s earliest memory isn’t like most. It wasn’t scrambling to his mother, it wasn’t toys or siblings; he didn’t even know if he had any. His earliest memory was cold and dark and alone. Blurry and bloody and adult. He still had no idea if the blood on the floor was his own or someone else’s. Did he do that? All he had were two scimitars beside him and some cards. A large barbarian woman carried him out, cradled him. The days following were a mashed and hazy, he couldn’t speak, he didn’t have a name or place. He remembered her looking at him softly, he remembered her warm hands and gentle touches. And that was it. It came to him sometimes, haunted him in the ways fire haunted Caleb. It would wash over him, filling his bone with ice and he wouldn’t know where he was, who he was. He would be in the room once again. Those days didn’t come for him as often, Mollymauk had filled himself with colour and built a world for himself to get the lost in.

 First was the carnival, the fake world. Molly could pretend to be anything there, a seer, a fortune teller, a performer. He never truly lost that part.  Here he would transport others and himself into a world of curiosities. Second came the ragtag Nein. A world of liars who cared even though they didn’t trust themselves or each other. His barbarian followed him into these worlds, coming and going like the passing winds from the north. He knew he wouldn’t lose her – even though at first, he was sure she’d abandoned him too. He wove tales for them, each different from the next, each probing question deflected with a flurry and a swirl, a wink and a grin. As time passed his mind was so filled with excitement and adventures and caretaking that his first memory slowly faded becoming dull as he found a new self, mourning the self he’d lost less and less. Until he was sure that the ice would no longer find him.

They had just got their gold, clearing out some farm land near the city from an infestation of giant rats and had settled into a near by inn for the evening to revel in it. Molly watched them all, in their strange antics. Yasha had found them again and Molly leant into her frame out of habit. Jester playing with her hair rabbiting on to Fjord about something trivial. Beau was trying to make conversation with Yasha. Nott was playing with Frumpkin. Caleb watched quite and contemplative, as always.

‘I remember when my mama used to brush my hair, it was so nice… She used to make it all pretty like hers. Bows and everything!’ Jester declared grinning from ear to ear.

‘Really?’ Answered Nott, ‘I don’t think I’ve ever had ribbons in mine.’

They continued on, the image of a young jester with wild hair filled with ornate bows filled Molly’s mind. He couldn’t help but let a soft smile overcome him. He watched as two other male Tieflings approached the tabl eyeing Molly. One red with black hair and the other dark green like damp moss.

‘Hey, is that you Lucian?’ the red one said with raised eyebrows. The table looked at them confused, there was no one here called Lucian.

‘No one here called Lucian friend, sorry.’ Molly replied with an itch under his skin.

‘Oh, you look like an old friend of ours… Haven’t seem him in years. Anyways sorry to bother y’all!’ With that they left and that was all it took.

Mollymauk’s form went rigid and still; he would not let his smile slip.

‘Well, if you’ll excuse me I’m going to try and find a wash room in this god forsaken place and get that rat stench out of my hair.’ Caleb’s eyes stilled on Molly as he tried to keep up his usual ostentatious behaviour. He could feel his joints seize like he hadn’t moved in hours and his fingers had started to become numb. He needed to be away from here it was all too loud. He found him self thinking as he was trying to make his way upstairs. _I am Mollymauk, I am a Tiefling and I adore my coat… I am Mollymauk. I AM Mollymauk, Molly to my friends. I like performing and soft silks. I am Mollymauk, Molly to friends._

As he reached his shared room and made his way to the corner falling to his knees, his body submerged into the ice lake once again. Molly leant his head on the wall, it was all he could to stop his body from collapsing completely to the floor. He tried to breath. There was blood on the floor staining the wood. Was the room always this dark? He reasoned with himself. _My name is Mollymauk, I am in the Stone Hearth inn, I am part of The Mighty Nein._ His joints hurt, and his vision swam. Where was he? Why was he here? There was a creak at the door. _Ah yes,_ he thought, _this is the part where Yasha carries me away._ He turned to greet her. No sound escaped his lips.

Illuminated in the door was a figure. Tall and thin, hand still gently grasping the door. He leant his head against the wall once again waiting for her to come and whisk him away. He knew it was nearly over once Yasha arrived. He could sleep it off, blame it on too many drinks. Warmth radiated near him but nothing grazed his skin. _Why isn’t she touching me? Oh god this is real. I can’t do this again I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I ca-_

‘Molly, can I touch you?’ he was pulled out of mind by a soft Zemnian accent. This wasn’t Yasha, he didn’t know where he was anymore. _Who’s Molly?_

‘Who are you?’ He managed to croak.

‘I’m Caleb, your friend and you’re Mollymauk… Molly to your friends.’ The soft accent penetrated his mind, this voice was safe. _Mollymauk… Molly to my friends._ Suddenly he could breath, still bathed in ice but he was no longer drowning.

‘Caleb…’ he uttered, trying the name on his tongue… _Caleb._ He wasn’t Yasha, but that was okay. He let his body fall onto Caleb’s and he caught him. Caleb held him for the longest time, making soft circles on his back as Molly tried to muffle his tired sobs into Caleb’s neck.

‘I’m Mollymauk, Molly to my friends,’ Molly didn’t move, still letting his sounds muffle still, ‘I adore my coat and I like performing and soft silks.’

‘You are Mollymauk, yes.’ Caleb replied, as if he knew Molly needed the confirmation. Molly’s body was thawing but his bones still felt locked. God he was so tired. He was always tired.  He let his eyes close, letting the warmth melt through the ice in his mind. _Safe._ His body relaxed.

‘Molly, Molly you can’t sleep on the floor. You don’t have to speak but nod if we can get you to the bed?’ Caleb’s voice was so gentle like he was scared his words would blow Molly away if they were too loud. Molly nodded, followed by Caleb lifting him to his feet, gathering him and placing him onto his bed. Heavy wool found itself round Molly’s form. He heard footsteps. _No I can’t be alone again, I can’t._

‘Please stay.’ Molly croaked, moving up to make room for Caleb on his bed. Caleb didn’t reply instead removing his coat and shoes and lastly his books. He gathered himself onto the bed next to Molly facing him stroking patterns into his skin.

‘You’re safe here, with us. I know its hard but we’re here and when you’re ready I will listen.’ Caleb spoke with more power then than Molly had ever heard leave the wizard before.

_Safe._

**Author's Note:**

> Hi,  
> Hope you enjoyed that. All comments and kudos are greatly appreciated!
> 
> Love you all,  
> A <3


End file.
